Ninjas and a giant ball
by Akktri
Summary: Snuggle the bear meets the Ninja Turtles.


Ninjas and a Giant Ball-A Snuggle Adventure Snuggle and the Snuggle Song is copyright Snuggletime, Lever Brothers, Healthtex and Goldenbooks. Beef: It's What's For Dinner Man is copyright the American Council For Beef. 

A tiny, fur covered white shape sat with a well dressed bum inside a large refrigerator box in a filthy, slime covered alleyway behind a dumpster. It was raining again, since they were in Seattle.

"Snuggle, did I ever tell you that I had a degree from MIT?"

The bear shrugged. "No."

The bum reached in his pocket, taking out a battered piece of paper. Indeed, it was an MIT degree.

"Wow. Why are you living in a cardboard box, then?"

"It's an art degree."

"Oh. Well, couldn't you get an art job?"

The bum broke into hysterical laughter. "Good one. But seriously, this piece of paper guarantees that I'll never find work. It's worthless in the job market, and prevents me from getting jobs in sanitation."

"Wow. That's a bummer."

"Yes. Yes it is. If only you could use your powers of softness to change this into a business degree."

"Michael, you know my powers can't do that."

"I know," the bum sighed. "Want some beer?"

"Sure."

The bum poured a part of a can of Budweiser into a tin cup. They both sipped their beer quietly.

"So," said Mike. "Have you tried looking for work?"

Snuggle shrugged. "They want someone with a work history dating back to their birth."

Mike shook his head. "That's the same problem I had. Oh well."

They finished their beers and went to sleep.

Snuggle awoke to find himself surrounded with a glowing rainbow colored light. He drifted through the cardboard box, flying up through the rainy sky, up, up into the sky. He rose higher, flying even past the atmosphere, flying into space. For some reason he could breathe in the vacuum.

He flew out of the solar system, zooming far across the galaxy, reaching a black void lacking any stars but the ones he'd come from.

A giant plastic potato with bendy white arms and no eyes floated in the blackness. "Welcome back, Snuggle, my son. It's me, Mr. Potato Head, your father and creator of the universe. I am the one who pulled the universe out of my butt, bringing everything into existence."

"You told me that, father."

"Awww! You called me father! Come here, my boy, and give your father a hug."

"Father, there is no gravity. I only move where my physical momentum takes me."

"Oh my son. I have neglected to fully explain the powers of softness I have granted to you. Oh yes. We have failed to explain. You see, my son, in addition to being given the ability to refresh clothing and make it fluffy (an important task to be sure!) an equally important ability included in your power of softness is the ability to attract and repel static electricity. You see, my son, you have been given the power to remove static from fabric, but that electrical energy has to go somewhere, yes? So, my son, you have been acquiring quite a buildup over the last few days. You transformed a bum and the things in a men's restroom into something soft and cuddly. There have also been many other things you have transformed with your softness, so it is a wonder that you do not overheat or explode from the unused static electricity. So, my son, you can make use of this static. Think of the competitor's drier sheets and concentrate the power into a blast and come to me. Give your old man a hug."

Snuggle focused on the thought of the competitor's drier sheets. His electrical charge began building and building and building. And when he stopped thinking about drier sheets for a second, a flash of light shot out of his paws, and he was zooming across the vacuum towards his creator. He went a little too fast and actually rammed into him. They both went spinning in a spiral across the void. It was awkward for the bear to hug a hunk of plastic, but he did it anyway.

"Good, my son. You displayed the full force of your power. It is still not as great as my own, but it is indeed impressive."

Snuggle's fuzzy cheeks turned pink.

"Ah! We are embarrassed! And it is not because we hugged our father."

"I...it feels dirty to use that power."

"Yes, my son. Your name should never be associated with static cling. But the electrical charge must go somewhere. Now, my son, you know how to propel yourself in any direction. Simply point and think of the competitor's drier sheets, or the liars that claim that soaking a rag in soap will serve the same function as your drier sheets."

"But doesn't that actually work?"

"Unfortunately, yes. If this information ever spreads, it will destroy you, and you will lose all your powers."

Snuggle swallowed. "Oh!"

"Now. Thinking of these things will propel you across great distances at great speeds. This will be especially useful if you want to get from Seattle to New York in five minutes." The potato paused. "Well, that's it for now. I will instruct you further on earth."

Snuggle felt his body being thrown by an unseen force. He zoomed through space, falling through the atmosphere of the planet earth. For some reason he didn't burn up in re-entry, but kept falling, alive, zooming through the air. The wind ripped at his fur. He fell on and on through the sky.

The ground rushed up at him. He screamed as the trees and buildings grew bigger. At the last minute, he thought of drier sheets. A blast of light shot out from his paws, acting like a pair of retro rockets. His descent slowed, and he landed softly on a concrete sidewalk.

He seemed to be out of Seattle. It wasn't raining, and there were more trees and hills than he was used to.

He was in front of a shopping complex. There was a gas station on the corner, an Applebee's on the opposite end, and a laundromat a couple doors away from the tax office in front of him.

"There it is, Snuggle! The mecca of softness! Your home away from home! Actually, it _is_ your home."

Snuggle looked around. "Father? Where are you?" He looked down and saw a puddle of water. The face of the potato appeared on the surface, framed with swirls of motor oil.

"Snuggle, your home is not with that dirty bum in the alley. Your home is here. At the laundry. At any laundry that accepts your product."

"But I don't have a product!"

"Not yet. But soon you will. But that is unimportant. Just remember. Anywhere you roam, where you wash your clothes is home."

Snuggle repeated it to himself several times. "Why does that sound familiar?"

"Oh? Did we also pull lawyers out of our butt? Indeed we did. And James Hetfield is one of them. It appears I had a bit of Korn the day before, so he came out all gritty and raw, but he soon became crappy, so much like a lawyer. Now, I wrote a parody of his song, so it's fair use. But my point remains solid, Snuggle. You may home wherever you find a drier. So, now, go to your home. It is the place where you will always be welcome. A place where you can relax, and most importantly, try out the other powers I have yet to show you. Isn't this exciting?"

Snuggle grinned. "Yes, father!"

He went into the laundromat, gazing around in wonderment. Majestic green drying machines stood along one wall, like glistening sentinels, regarding Snuggle with a welcome gleam. The stately washing machines gave a mighty, awe inspiring presence to the other wall. The soap vending machines were like square houses of wonderment, the folding tables like golden blocks of sunshine. The laundry carts were like beautiful stallions in a meadow full of well groomed unicorns and lovely rainbows and fairies with bags full of cookies that don't mind sharing with you. The men sitting around the television were like twin Poncho Villas, the epitome of Hispanic manliness. The television was displaying a moving episode of Jerry Springer involving a beautiful relationship between a Black Panther and a Grand Dragon of the Klu Kluxx Klan and folding chairs. The woman with the men was like a shapely Fidel Castro, complete with a beautiful flowing moustache and breasts like two small, appealing cupcakes. The laundromat attendant was like a beautiful mother warthog, dressed in a beautiful flowing sheet.

Snuggle fell to his knees in worshipful reverence. "This place is so holy!" he whispered.

The two beautiful people on the television knocked each other unconscious with the majestic folding chairs. Jerry Springer fell to the floor. After this, Mr. Potato head appeared in front of a brick wall, beneath a sign reading Final Thought.'

"Snuggle, my son. I have given you another talent which I have neglected to explain to you. It is the power of static attraction."

"Static...attraction?" Snuggle gasped. "This is almost too wonderful for me to bear!"

"Yes, Snuggle. You will become pink from head to foot when I mention this, but it is actually a beautiful use of the static electricity that is taken from loads of laundry dried with Snuggle brand drier sheets."

Snuggle turned pink.

"This power is an amazing power to be sure. I pulled this power out of my butt after spending the entire first part of the day eating bran. At any rate, you can use it to make snowballs out of anything. All you need to do is think of generic fabric softener. I got the idea for the snowball thing after I pulled a man with a battery shaped head out of my butt. He called such a snowball a Katamari,' but I still don't know what that means."

Snuggle squinted at the potato. "Um...that sounds fun, I guess."

"Yes. It is an awesomely fun power. Go ahead and try it, my son."

Snuggle looked around. "Try?"

"Yes. Try what I said. Go ahead and experiment. Just roll an object around into another object, make it into a ball, and make it grow larger by rolling more objects into it, or concentrate on your lack of media coverage to make the Katamari act as a magnet."

With a shrug, Snuggle went to a drier, opening the lint trap. He took out a wad of lint, concentrating on thoughts of his media coverage. The wad compressed into a spherical shape.

"You may roll anything into it that you wish, living or inanimate. You may need to work a bit to get it the size large enough to absorb certain objects, but you can do it. Do not worry. Although it does not make sense scientifically, the static charge in the Katamari will not go away once you have a ball underway. Unless, of course, it hits an object that is larger than itself, or if you roll it at a speed that is greater than 60 miles per hour."

"But how do I keep that from happening?"

"Practice. You can always pick up the objects again."

Snuggle sighed.

"Tonight I dine on turtle soup.' Do you like the Ninja Turtles?"

Blank stare. "Never heard of them."

"Oh? That's terrible! You must be acquainted with them at once! In fact, I want you to make a giant Katamari with your static power, and roll up the entire cast of characters from the Teenage Mutan Ninja Turtles cartoon into a ball. Got it? I'll give you a week to accomplish this task. If you fail me, I will destroy you."

Snuggle swallowed. "What?"

"No pressure, Snuggle. You have a week. Actually five business days, and monday doesn't count because it's a holiday. Just roll up every character from the TMNT show into a giant ball, or I wil wipe you out of existence."

"Oh!" Snuggle gasped. "How can you say that? Father, I love you!"

"Yes, I love you too, Snuggle. That is why I believe you will do it, and I will not need to destroy you. Now, I will be there to give you advice at crucial moments, so do not be afraid."

"But how can I not be afraid? You're going to destroy me!"

"Do not tax my patience, Snuggle! I have granted you the greatest power in the universe! Now go make use of it!" You have a week!" The screen went dark.

"Great. A week. How am I going to do this in a week?" Snuggle sighed. "Might as well try to get started."

The screen came back to life. "The Ninja Turtles are in New York, by the way. And you, unfortunately, are in Kansas City."

"New York? How do I get there?"

"Use your propulsion power. Just remember what I said. Keep the speed under 60, or it will collapse." The screen darkened once more.

Sigh. "Okay."

Blushing furiously, Snuggle went from drier to drier, packing more and more lint onto the ball. Then he ran out of lint. All the machines were empty of lint, even the lint that stuck to the internal mechanisms behind the trap. He started grabbing socks and clothing from the machines. The ball got bigger. He opened the washers, removing wet clothing from there. He found a box of the competitor's drier sheets and almost shot himself across the room. He quickly grabbed them without looking at them, packing the entire box under a load of clean laundry from a cart, then packed on some trash from a nearby garbage can.

Someone shouted at him. He ignored it, rolling the ball around the corner of the folding table.

He rolled the ball to the TV area, packing on magazines, soda cans and another bag of laundry.

"Hey! My laundry!"

He magnetized papers on the dry cleaning desk and captured a pile of quarters from a table. The ball was bigger now. Much bigger. He rolled the ball into a corner, where a gray cat was sleeping. "Meow!" The cat disappeared into the ball. He rolled the ball up to the washers.

A baby was crying in a carrier on top of one of the machines. Snuggle grabbed it, sticking it to the ball. It screamed. He rolled the ball along the floor, creating an odd mixture of sound as the cat and the baby alternately rolled face first over the floor.

Mr. Potato head tapped on the screen of the television. "Snuggle. You can go outside and roll up more objects so that your Katamari can get bigger."

"Okay." Snnuggle pushed the door open, rolling the ball out on the sidewalk with wailing and mewing sounds. A tiny mop dog growled and barked at the ball. Snuggle rolled the ball over it.

"Yipe!"

He rolled up the dirt and grass along the curb.

"Arf! Arf! Meow! Waaaaah!"

He rolled up all the trash on the sidewalk, then rolled across the opposite curb. He picked up more soil, more grass, and more trash, until the ball had grown to the diameter of six feet. He rolled the ball back to the laundromat door. He pushed the door open, rolling the ball inside.

"Hey!" shouted the attendant. "You can't bring dirt in here!"

The next minute, she was being absorbed into the ball.

Snuggle rolled the ball toward the TV. He rolled up the people sitting there, then a girl with a handkerchief over her head who was kneeling over a pile of clothing on the floor. He rolled up her laundry, then a bunch of other peoples' laundry, clean or not. He rolled up the TV, then started bumping the ball against the metal. The panels came off, then the doors. He rolled up the barrel shaped interior components, the side walls of the driers, then the walls on that side of the laundry were bare.

"Snuggle!" said the television inside the ball. "I sent you here to nab the Ninja Turtles. Stop fooling around!"

"Sorry, father!" the bear cried. "I'll start on that right away!" He rolled the ball against the door until it broke into splinters. The chunks stuck on the ball as he rolled it out to the sidewalk. He rolled it down the parking lot, to the gas station a few yards down.

He saw a man at one of the pumps, putting gas into a black Humvee. He rolled the ball up to him. "Excuse me, sir, how do you get to New York?"

"Practice." Snuggle rolled the ball over him. The man fought and shouted in protest, but soon he was rolling along with the other debris.

He brought the ball over to a Mexican with a Lincoln. "Excuse me, sir. How do you get to New York?"

"¿Nuevo York? Nuevo York son debajo de poop poop. Estas loca para querebas ver ahí."

Snuggle rolled over him _muy rapido._ He came up to a woman who was unlocking her foreign economy car. "Excuse me, Miss, how do you get to New York?"

"Why in the world would you want to go there?"

He rolled her up in the ball, too. No one else was outside the station, so he went up to the door, rolling up the whole thing, frame and all, into the ball. Once inside, he rolled over a boy and a rack of chips, approaching the front desk.

He stared at the clerk. "Excuse me, sir. How do I get to New York?"

The man pointed to the left. "Go down there, turn right, and go three blocks. Can't miss it."

Snuggle rolled the clerk up into the ball because he was stupid and didn't know what he was talking about. Then Snuggle went down the street, turned right, and went down three blocks.

New York wasn't there, but he found the New York Delicatessen. He rolled the ball through the its glass window, absorbing thousands of bits of broken glass, the tables, chairs, and customers. He asked the clerk for the directions to New York and he pointed to a map. It was a bad map.

Snuggle rolled up the clerk and took the map, rolling out and down the street. He rolled over a road atlas, picked it up, and read it.

"Aha! So that's how I get to New York!"

And so he began rolling the ball up the freeway.

He heard a loud honk. He turned just in time to see a semi zooming toward him. Before he could properly react, the front grille of the truck hit the ball and everything went flying apart.

"No!" Snuggle screamed.

"Watch out for those cars!" Mr. Potato head said from the broken TV.

"Now you tell me!" Snuggle grumbled.

He tried to grab the items he'd lost, but a Subaru came rushing at him and he had to jump quickly to the side of the freeway. "I guess I have to start over," he moaned. He picked up a dirt clod and a piece of trash, using his powers of static to make a ball again.

The incident didn't ruin Snuggle's determination. He began rolling up shoes, soda cans, glass, beer bottles, chunks of re-treads, and the remains of his previous ball, and after going like this for a few miles, he remembered his father's words about the competitor's drier sheets. He thought about how he hated them to the very core of his being, and the ball began to spin.

The ball began to glow and spin like a washing machine rigged for an unsafe speed. There was a flash, then a loud noise, and Snuggle felt himself flying forward, 50 mph, 60 mph, 90 mph, 150 mph, faster than the cars around him.

Well, some of the cars, at least.

The ball sped along the shoulder, knocking stranded motorists over and rolling them up, knocking motorcyclists off their bikes and pulling in cops who were sitting around with radar detectors, trying to maintain their quota of speeding tickets for the month.

The ball rolled ahead, bouncing off an abandoned Cadillac, flying into the air.

Everything started moving in slow motion.

The ball bounced over the freeway, over the cars, hitting a brand new Lexus on the hood.

The shiny green front end slammed down on the pavement and its unblemished tail end flew up.

The ball bounced up in the air, and the Lexus flew backwards into a semi, and every vehicle behind it exploded like they had been carrying nine million pounds of nitroglycerin.

The ball kept barrelling ahead, zooming in and out between unlabeled semis. One of them had a samurai sword sticking out of it.

Techno music started playing in the background for no apparent reason.

Snuggle rolled over a skinny white chick in a skin tight leather costume and black sunglasses, her fast moving motorcycle, and the squatty Asian guy that was sitting in the back seat. He rolled over a bunch of guys in black suits, white suited men with dreadlocks, then he saw Lady Liberty approaching in the distance.

He rolled over the Brooklyn Bridge, and he was in New York.

He stopped, staring at the water in New York Harbor. "Now how am I going to find the Ninja Turtles?" But no one answered him except a bum who said, "Why do these chicks in Jersey City always have to wear girdles?" So he rolled the ball over him and went onward, down through Chinatown, rolling over a bunch of Asian chefs, karate instructors, and an underground fighting ring that sold opium and human organs as a side business.

"Hey, homie! That's not cool!" A man in a hockey mask jumped out of a tree, brandishing a baseball bat, a croquet mallet, a hockey stick, and two golf clubs. "You can't just roll up Chinatown into a big ball like that!"

"Why not?" Snuggle asked.

"Because I'm Casey Jones and if you want to keep rolling that thing over innocent people, you're going to have to go through me first!"

"Okay!" Snuggle rolled over him. He rolled over a cat, a pigeon, and a guy selling watches.

A deformed creature popped out of an alleyway, pointing a device at Snuggle. The creature was dressed like a laboratory tech and had the head of a fly. It buzzed at him, talking about how he wanted Snuggle's astonishing power. Snuggle rolled over him.

He went down an alleyway and rolled over Mr. Miyagi and that guy from the Gremlins movie before realizing that he was in a cemetary.

"Oh my!" Snuggle cried as he rolled over a tombstone. "The people in this cemetary are dead, and I will be too if I don't find these Ninja Turtles soon. But how am I supposed to find them in this big city? It's already noon and still they're nowhere in sight!" He sat down and cried.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "There, there, little friend," said a deep voice with a country accent. Snuggle looked up and saw it was that guy from all those Beef: It's What's For Dinner commercials, and The Hulk and Ghost Rider. "The Ninja Turtles are ninjas, who are also turtles."

"Yes, Beef: It's What's For Dinner Man. But what does it mean?"

"It means, my good friend, that they are masters of concealment, and they like to stay hidden. And at the end of the day, they like to eat a big, juicy porterhouse steak with all the fixin's."

Snuggle stared at him. The words were strange to him, but deep inside his heart, he knew them to be true. "So...they like red meat and hiding. So how do I find someone like that?"

"I don't know what to tell you, friend. Tougher men have tried. Men with shiny metal helmets and mutant warthogs and guys who had their DNA scrambled with a fly when they sent themselves through a homemade dimensional transporter. Homemade like that...savory pot roast your mother always makes when your whole clan gets together for a lynching."

Snuggle gawked at him. Ignoring the comment about lynching, he said, "Did these men...try and fail?"

"No. They tried and died."

Snuggle swallowed. "But if you please, sir. How would one find...mutant ninja...turtles like this?"

"Well, the quickest way to satisfy your hungry crew is to go to the meat section of your local grocery store and pick up a savory twenty-five inch porterhouse steak, but to find a ninja who is also a turtle is trickier. I'd search really low."

"Like...in the dumpsters?"

"Lower. Low as the man who serves his family cabbage and broccoli for dinner instead of steak."

"In the dirt itself?"

"No, low like the low man that eats that last juicy slice of Grade A beef you were drooling over just minutes before at that family get-together."

"Deep down in the center of the earth?"

"No, that's where Krang lives, where he feeds his hungry family with the choicest sirloin money can buy."

"You mean, down below the earth's crust, where there are diamonds and emeralds and scantily clad cave women?"

Beef: It's What's For Dinner Man stared at him. "Dammit, man. Wise up. I meant there in the sewers. Now, you're the Ghost Rider. You should know these things. Now go! Go before the sun comes up and you lose all your power and you miss your juicy t-bone dinner!"

"But-!"

"Go!"

Snuggle started rolling the ball real fast.

_The sewers,_ Snuggle thought as he rolled the ball ahead.

He came to a manhole. He rolled the lid up in the already growing ball and stared down in the hole. "It's too small! I'll never fit anything down there!"

Mr. Potato head appeared in the air. "Snuggle. I neglected to tell you something. I inadvertently gave you the powers of Santa Claus. It's going to make things a bit difficult around Christmastime, but you know, whatever. Listen. If you simply concentrate on...a...visions of sugar plums and...uh...good will toward men, and...being the jolly fat man...you can fit that giant ball down that manhole you're looking at, no problem."

Snuggle shot him an incredulous look. "Does this mean I'll be able to fly around the world in five seconds and know if every boy and girl in the world is naughty or nice?"

Mr. Potato head coughed. "I don't think you're getting my drift. I'm not _making_ you Santa Claus. I just gave you _one_ of his friggin' powers. And if you don't shut up, I'm gonna make you a talking donut."

Snuggle opened his mouth, then closed it again.

"Okay, well, you can talk...just don't...ask stupid questions like that again. It's really friggin' annoying."

"So...it's like...how a gay person-?"

Mr. Potato head pointed a finger at him. "Donut!"

Snuggle swallowed. "So...it's like how Santa can squeeze his big butt and a huge bag down a chimney?"

"Yeah. He's going to have to drink a lot of Slim-Fast this year. It's for his own good."

"I thought it was an accident."

"It is. Accidentally on purpose."

"So I can just squish the ball down into a tiny...thing...then squeeze down any chimney...or...maybe a sewer pipe? That's...impossible!"

"You fit the ball through that tiny laundromat door, didn't you?"

"You've got a point. So...what happens if there's something living in this thing when I squish it down like that?"

"Kid, have you ever thought about what Santa does to a Sony Walkman or that cute puppy dog he has in his bag when he comes down the chimney?"

"Yeah. The kid doesn't want it and it ends up being dumped by the side of the freeway the day after Christmas."

"The Walkman?"

"No. The dog."

"What I meant was, say your mother gets a set of crystal glassware set for Christmas. Why isn't that smashed up when he comes down the chimney?"

"My mother got devoured by Galactus, but normally adults don't get gifts from Santa because they don't believe in him."

"I don't believe in taxes, but I still get collectors calling me at two in the morning every five days asking where their money is. Listen. My point is, the puppy gets to the kid fine without being crushed to death or asphyxiated, the dishes don't break, and everything's find until New Years when your dad gets drunk and starts slapping you around." Mr. Potato head paused. "I lost my train of thought."

"So I can compress a ball full of Chinamen and they won't feel a thing?" Snuggle looked back and forth a minute. "I mean, they won't die?"

"Bingo. You win the grand prize."

"I get a prize?"

Mr. Potato head pointed at him again. "Donut."

"I'm sorry."

"Ah, I wouldn't do that to you. I was just kidding. _You are my son,_ after all. (But then again, I did turn that one Carebear into the Chips Ahoy Cookie Man. Never mind. Forget I said anything). So get to it, kid. You've only got four days left." Mr. Potato head vanished, leaving him with one final thought. "There's not much time left."

Snuggle concentrated on sugarplums and naughty kids. The ball shrunk and fell through the manhole just like a hard boiled egg at the mouth of a jar you just dropped a lit match into. All the Chinamen screamed, except Mr. Miyagi.

The ball tumbled through the shaft, landing in a giant pool of sewage littered with toilet paper, bloody tampons, and other disgusting stuff. Snuggle splashed down in a pool of excrement behind it, but his magical powers kept his fur spotless, clean and fragrant, like the sunflowers in new Sunflower Meadow Snuggle Fabric Softener.

He rolled the ball through the muck, accumilating vast quantities of solid waste and maggots. The smell of sewage made him want to gag, but he kept going, sustaining himself by inhaling the air around his own furry coat.

He went from tunnel to tunnel, rolling over rabid sewer rats, baby alligators and ordinary box turtles. The day passed and he found nothing but sewage and empty tunnels. He didn't sleep. He was kept awake by his determination, and the long lasting scent of Snuggle Brand Fabric Softener.

He rolled through more sewers, compressing the ball to fit it into each new tunnel. Another day passed. And another, but no ninja turtles, or ninjas who were also turtles were to be seen.

Bonk. He rolled over a wood panel, coming to a section of tunnel that was dry and clean.

"What the shell is that?" said a voice.

"You got me!"

"Looks like a big pile of $!"

Snuggle looked over the ball and saw a pair of green scaly humanoid figures dressed in belts and colored bandanas. He rolled the ball closer.

"Hey! You can't bring that in here!"

"Why not?" Snuggle asked.

"Because it smells like horse $! Why do you think?"

"Actually, it smells like human excrement, and the Chinamen don't mind it."

"What?"

A Korean man in a suit appeared. "Hi. My name is Kim from the Society of Asian Americans. I am here today because this story is offensive, and my organization is willing to pursue legal action if these anti-Asian stereotypes continue to be perpetuated."

"It's a story about ninjas and a giant ball," said Snuggle. "Deal with it." He rolled the ball over the man, moving up the tunnel.

"Hey!" shouted one of the reptiles. "Get that thing outta here!"

Snuggle kept going.

"Roll that thing any closer and you'll wish you hadn't!"

Snuggle shrugged and pushed ahead.

A mutant with a blue bandana lunged at Snuggle, but the bear jumped out of the way. He concentrated on thoughts of the competitor's drier sheets and the ball spun like the wheel of a drag racer. It shot straight at the green figure, knocked him over, and engulfed him.

"Leo!" cried the other mutant. He tried to dodge the ball, but once the rapidly spinning ball of entropy caught on his belt, the rest of his body followed suit, and no amount of struggling could get him free.

Snuggle heard the sound of plastic wheels and steel trucks scraping the sides of the sewer tunnel ahead.

"Cowabunga!"

Snuggle moved the ball toward the source of the sound.

"What the shell?"

There was the sound of yelling, then a loud thud. A pair of green feet and a skateboard now stuck out on one end of the ball.

Snuggle shrugged and pushed the ball down an adjoining tunnel. He entered a small brick chamber set up like a living room, with metal street signs and wall scrolls from Chinese restaurants covering the walls. "Wow!" he gasped as he looked around and rolled over a tattered carpet designed to look like a turtle shell. The room contained a TV and a beat up sofa, along with trash and pizza boxes.

Hearing a low humming noise, he crossed into a chamber linked to the room by a short tunnel. The room had plain walls and a meditating rat on the floor.

The rodent was dressed in a gi. His legs were folded in a lotus position. He kept humming to himself brainlessly.

Snuggle rolled the ball over him. There was a muffled shout, then the ball had a cane, a tail, and a pair of fuzzy legs folded in a lotus position sticking out of it.

"Master!" cried a voice. "What did you do to him?"

Snuggle spun the ball faster than a Hollywood marriage, which is 1/18th the speed of light. The green figure screamed as he was absorbed into the ball.

Snuggle rolled over a pair of sai, a bo staff, nunchucks and a sword. The staff and sword were of an irregular shape, so the ball wobbled and hopped in erratic patterns when it rolled.

Snuggle rolled up the TV, the cushions on the sofa, and an ancient scroll containing a ninja ghost and a recipe for Linguica sausage. He rolled the ball up to a tunnel beneath a speed limit sign, entering something like an electronics workshop.

Odd devices lay scattered on work benches, left by some industrious inventor. Snuggle rolled the ball through the room, knocking stuff down and rolling up everything in sight.

One of the tables held a machine resembling a toaster with a big yellow sign reading DIMENSIONAL TRANSPORTER-DO NOT TOUCH.' The machine fell off the shelf as the ball hit it.

Snuggle saw a flash, then he found himself standing in the middle of a vast arid desert. He looked around. "Where...where am I?"

"You idiot!" said a muffled voice inside the ball. "You must have activated the dimensional transporter!"

Snuggle put a paw to his mouth. "Oops!" He stared at the gravelly terrain. "So where am I, then?"

"Don't ask me," said the ball. "I can't see anything in this giant ball of reeking sewage!"

Snuggle shrugged and began rolling the ball across the rocky soil. Little green creatures popped out of tiny holes in the ground. When Snuggle saw them, he started rolling them up.

He started singing as he went along. "Come on, let's have some fun, join in everyone, sing the Snuggle song with me...Snuggle, Snuggle, come on cuddle up, Snuggle, Snuggle, if there's trouble up, you can always count on me..."

The tiny creatures in the ground bobbed their heads along with the music.

Snuggle, Snuggle, if things get rough and tough, Snuggle, Snuggle, they'll soon soften up, you can always count on me..."

After he had gone a mile on the rocky dirt, he came to a cliff at the edge of a canyon. On the opposite side, he saw a giant metal spheroid with a big robotic eye set on it. The object was set on tank treads and had nasty looking blades sticking out of it.

"Holy cow! That's...that's the Technodrome!" said the ball. "We must have teleported to Dimension X!"

"What's the Technodrome?" Snuggle asked.

"It is the center of operations for the Foot Clan and Shredder and Krang," said an older voice inside the ball.

"I thought Krang lived in the center of the earth!"

"Watch the tapes, dumbass."

"Oh my!" said Snuggle. "I must go there! But how? There is a giant canyon in the way!"

"You will find the answer within," said the ball.

"Go into the canyon, then? Okay!"

"No!" another voice screamed.

Snuggle spun the ball with all his might. It spun faster and faster, at speeds greater than the amount of time it takes for a boy and girl in an average movie or TV show to end up sleeping together, which is 1/18th the speed of light. The ball spun so rapidly that it lost 45 of its total mass, as people and objects kept flying off.

They flew into the pit, tumbling into the vast, dark region between the cliffs. The bear and the ball tumbled end over end, falling, falling, their hungry mouths seeeking one another as they held each other tightly in a passionate embrace, spinning out of control, their intertwined bodies both straining urgently for release, like worms in a hot cheese log.

Wham. The ball hit a big metal ramp.

One side of the ball went completely flat, like a lump of Play-Dough after you squish it with the Monica Lewinsky report. Okay, so it wasn't that flat, but it did have a large flat spot on one side.

Snuggle fell down after it. Squishy turtles, Chinamen and Sewage broke his fall. He dusted himself off and looked around.

The ramp was attached to a big metal structure resembling an airplane hangar. A pair of statue-like robots stood at either side of the door. Snuggle began rolling the ball again.

The eyes of the robots turned red. "Intruder! Intruder!" they shouted, taking out guns.

Snuggle concentrated, increasing the speed of the ball to the speed at which a teenager puts exorbitant charges on a credit card, roughly 1/17th the speed of light. The ball whirled and spun, regaining its original shape as it absorbed bullets, and, a few seconds later, the robots themselves.

Near the top of the Technodrome was a stainless steel room filled with blinking control panels, security monitors, and tactical computers. A chrome helmet hung on one wall, next to a high tech lazer weapon and a pair of steel gauntlets fitted with razor blades.

Two strange figures sat at a table in the middle of this room, playing chess. One was a disfigured man dressed in shiny metal armor, the other a human-like, squinty eyed android with a mutant brain encased in its stomach. The two creatures sat in silence, staring at a chess board framed by empty soda cans, food wrappers, and a variety of board games.

The disfigured man opened his mouth. "So...do you...ever talk with Yolonda anymore?"

A warbling voice came out of the brain. "No. She said that my giant robot looked stupid."

"Well, it-" The man bit his tongue.

"What?"

"N-nothing, Krang. Nothing!"

"No, Shredder, you were about to say something. What was it?"

"I...uh...that is...I was just saying...she's got to be crazy...to think that, that...robot isn't cool. I mean, it not only strikes fear in the heart of your enemies, but it's-"

"Go ahead and make your move," the brain interrupted.

"Oh right." Shredder moved the black knight to the middle of the board.

The brain and its robot sat motionless for a few minutes.

"Want to play Magic after this?"

"No. You cheat."

"Oh come on. I don't cheat _that_ much."

"Then what was that level 20 spellcaster you pulled out of your sleeve last time?"

The disfigured man sighed. "Okay Krang. Fine. I admit it. That was pretty low. I promise I won't pull any tricks this time. Could we please play Magic?"

The brain stared at him for a long couple of minutes. "Perhaps."

"Great!" Shredder said, rubbing his hands together.

"Two more games first."

"Oh." Shredder frowned. "I'm gonna go get a Coke. You want one?"

"No."

Shredder shrugged and walked out.

A flashing red light lit up the room. A pulsating siren went off. Krang stood up, almost upsetting the board. "Shredder!"

The large metal door on the hangar thing slid open and a crowd of robotic mouse things and figures in ninja suits came out, all seemingly interested in kicking ass. (One of them was there to write a quality report, but he's hardly worth mentioning). They charged at Snuggle with the typical kung-fu movie style, one attacker going at a time.

Snuggle rolled the ball around rapidly. He knocked one of the ninjas out with a shattered bo stick projecting from one side of the ball, then got the other with a flailing ninja turtle foot. A kicking rat foot and cane dispatched another pair of ninjas, but then the group decided to get smart and gang up on Snuggle all at once.

Snuggle spun the ball quickly, making it go at the speed in which a credit card's collections agents decide to pester their customers about missing payments, roughly 1/20th the speed of light. The ball bowled over the robots and knocked down the ninjas like pins at AMF Lanes, making the same exact sounds, including the noise of someone complaining about how their beer was watered down and their nachos were soggy. The ball absorbed them all into a big rolling mass of bodies and metal scrap. Snuggle rolled it through the open door.

The room beyond was like a giant prison, a maze of barred cells and compartments sealed off with science fictiony forcefields. Snuggle rolled the ball in between the metal cages, examining everything.

The cells held a samurai rabbit, a giant mutant alligator, and a vast assortment of other characters from the comics, TV shows and movies, whose presence really didn't make sense, or even fit into any existing constructions. They were all there, due to some unbelievably unlikely storyline, a storyline that would only seem coherent to an animator who stayed up until four in the morning trying to meet a deadline while tripping on bad coffee spiked with whiskey, peyote buttons, and Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum.

Snuggle rolled the ball against the bars of the rabbit's cell, and the bars stuck to the wall like a giant pincushion. The rabbit tried to fight back and escape, but Snuggle rolled over him as well.

Snuggle heard yelling behind him. He turned and saw more soldiers and robots. He rolled the ball over them, the prison bars beating back the ones with weapons, and crushing the rest. He rolled over them, then almost every character in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle universe, making the ball bigger.

Snuggle came to an elevator platform, one big enough to lift a tank. He rolled the ball up, faster than the amount of time it takes a repairman at the average body shop to seriously damage an essential part of your car when he's only supposed to be doing a tune up, roughly 1/19th the speed of light. He slammed into the wall and the thousands of cell bars stuck into the wall.

Instead of getting buried in the rock, it started moving upwards, scaling the aggregate until he was on the surface once more.

Directly ahead, Snuggle could see the Technodrome, resting on its massive tank treads. Snuggle rolled the ball forward at ramming speed. He hit the metal surface with a loud bang and it bounced off. He tried it again and again until ninjas started falling off the ball. Frustrated, he backed up and started rolling up all the rocks and debris in sight. The ball became larger and larger.

Inside the control room, Shredder and Krang were staring at a monitor with their mouths hanging wide open.

"What the shell is that? I mean, hell," said Shredder.

"I may be an alien brain encased inside a robot, but I have no earthly idea."

"Dammit! Look at that! I just sent all the soldiers in the entire Technodrome after it, and it just keeps coming!"

"Well," said Krang. He paused a long time.

"Well?"

"Well, $, man, I don't know what to tell you!"

The ball expanded until it became the size of a large asteroid. Snuggle rolled it up to the Technodrome, rammed it twice, and then the ball absorbed it. He rolled up some gravel and kept going.

Suddenly, Mr. Potato Head appeared in the sky above him. Snuggle looked up at him and waved.

The potato floated down to him. "Rainbow beam!" A rainbow colored funnel of light poured from the potato's mouth, surrounding Snuggle. Snuggle was lifted off the surface of the planet and taken into the depths of a huge empty void, lacking any stars or planets or celestial objects (other than himself and the ball and Mr. Potato Head, of course).

"Hmmm..." said the potato. "It looks kind of small."

"Yes," the potato replied to himself. "But it contains every known character in the Ninja Turtles universe. Perhaps it counts for something."

"What should we call it?"

The ball began to glow. It flew off to the far distance, glowing with a radiant light, like a star.

"We shall call it BA22M33X4549166417532458455621468."

"Hmm...that is not very catchy."

"How about Ninja Planet? Splinter Star?...I know! Tortuga!"

The potato floated closer to Snuggle. "Good job, my son! You have helped me create a new star, Tortuga. I knew I wouldn't have to destroy you!"

"But space is as vast as it is mysterious. I shall have a new mission for you soon. Until then, rest and enjoy your vacation."

"Vac-ation?" Snuggle stammered.

"Yes, son. Rest easy for now, but I soon shall have work for you again. Rainbow beam!"

There was a flash of light, and Snuggle was again on earth, this time on the edge of San Francisco, where all the gay people live.


End file.
